Pretty fancy prices here.
Yeah, well, just so we're clear, I am picking up the tab tonight.
- Okay. - This is my celebration. I invited you.
Fine.
- So don't go grabbing the check. - I won't touch the check.
If you wanna leave the tip, that'd be okay.
I could do that.
I usually leave 15 percent...
...but if you wanna leave 20, that's your call.
Thank you.
Unless you think it's easier if we just split the check.
Whatever.
Of course, in many families if someone is celebrating some good news...
...his brother would insist on buying dinner.
- Then why don't I do that. - But I'll leave the tip.
- One question. - What?
- Do you have any money? - No.
I left my wallet at home.
You mean this wallet?
Oh, good, you found it.
I was looking all over.
So where did we leave things? You're paying, we're splitting?
Oh, just shut up.
What's this good news you're celebrating?
It's a surprise. I wanna wait till Mom gets here.
Yes, Jake, we see the spoon on your nose, now stop it.
Can you do it?
I don't want to do it. Now, behave yourself.
Oh, work with me.
Just wonderful.
You pick a restaurant that has no valet.
I had to park three blocks away...
...and then schlep here in shoes that are not for walking.
I've got a blister the size of a Communion wafer.
And if Mommy doesn't get something to drink immediately...
...things are going to get very ugly.
Let the celebration begin.
Maybe the lesson here, Mom, is to buy shoes that are made for walking.
Is it just me?
In a perfect world, it would be.
Well, anyway I'm here. So, what's your big announcement, Alan?
Jake, get that spoon off your nose.
- You don't know where it's been. - It's been on my nose.
You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy.
Now that we are all here, I have some good news to share.
This is not gonna be on the newsstands for a couple of days...
...but I have an advance copy.
"Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy."
Good God.
- Hey, Dad, you're famous. - Well, not really.
Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Pennysaver, maybe a little.
Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it.
Charlie, don't be disrespectfuI.
Thank you, Mom.
So how much advertising did you have to buy in exchange for this puff piece?
Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising?
Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper might run a cover story...
...about a successfuI local chiropractor?
Well, frankly, yes.
Unless the chiropractor shot four people to death in a mini-mart...
...and then turned the weapon on himself.
You know, I get why Charlie has never acknowledged my accomplishments.
He's a hedonist who can't get behind anyone...
...unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table.
That's fair.
But my own mother-
You're up.
Refusing to even feign interest.
I did so feign interest.
You assumed I had to buy advertising to get the article.
Well, did you?
Neighborhood advertising is a good investment.
- But that is not the point. - All right, what is the point?
The point is, I can't even get a simple attaboy from own my mother.
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Attaboy.
Feel better?
- No, I do not feel better. - Did I not say it right?
You know what? Forget it. Let's just order, eat and get out of here.
One more of these, and please keep them coming.
I'll buy the drinks. Unless you wanna split it with me.
And you know what else? You know what else?
No, Alan, what else?
I cannot believe that our mother made us carry her to her car...
...just because she had a teeny-weeny little blister on her foot.
Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her she'll be in a handy urn.
I'll pay for the urn if you get the cremation.
Done.
- Jake? Where's my son? - Right here, Dad.
Oh, oh, good, good.
Now, listen, boy.
Your old dad is not going to be here for-
Is not going to be here forever.
And when I'm gone...
...I want there to be no doubt in your mind...
...that I was as proud as punch...
...about all of your accomplishments, no matter how miniscule.
Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you?
No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed.
He just gets a little:
Anyway, the important thing for you to know...
...is how much I love you.
You told the waiter you loved him too.
He was a very good waiter.
And it's also important for you to know that you can be anything you want.
Anything in the world.
- No, I can't. - You're right. That's a crock.
But I love you...
...and you have cheeks like a beaver.
Now go to bed.
Dad, we've been learning about alcohol abuse at school.
And if you ever need a new liver you can have half of mine.
Hey, hey, hey. I thought we had a deal.
Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.
Best 5 bucks I ever spent.
Now come on, let's tuck you into bed.
Why can't my mother appreciate me? All I wanted was one sincere attaboy.
Was that too much to ask?
Attaboy.
Well, that looks like the last of the scallops.
Now all we gotta do is wait for dessert.
Rainbow sherbet.
Oh, that should be pretty.
You know, I have spent my entire life...
...trying to please Mom to make her proud of me.
But no more.
I am done trying.
Good for you.
Oh, excuse me.
Nope.
You know, if you put the seat down, it's easier to rest your arms.
Oh, you're right.
You're a wise man, Charlie Harper.
Well, I do have a few pockets of specialized knowledge.
Some might call it wisdom.
And it seems warmer too.
It's further away from the cooling effect of the water.
Not to mention the residual body heat accrued from thousands of ass hours.
You've really given a lot of thought to this.
I'm thinking of writing a book.
And I will read it.
Thank you.
You know what I am, Charlie?
Yes.
I am a pathological people pleaser.
I had an entirely different answer.
But more accurately, I am a woman pleaser.
No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser.
You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit.
No, I'm not speaking physically, I'm speaking psychologically.
With Mom.
With Judith.
With every woman I've ever met.
I have twisted myself into knots just trying to get them to like me.
My education...
...my job, my clothes, my car...
...my very behavior.
All chosen simply to get women to approve of me.
And how's that worked out for you?
They don't approve of me.
But I am going to change, Charlie.
I am no longer going to groveI for Mom's approvaI...
...or for the approvaI of any woman.
I am going to live the remainder of my life...
...with pride...
...and a quiet, noble dignity.
But first, I'll sleep with my head in the crapper.
Can I make you some oatmeaI?
I've got cereaI.
I know.
I just thought you might enjoy something hot...
...and quiet.
Nope.
Do you have a hangover?
Yeah.
Drinking that much was a stupid thing to do.
So then why'd you do it?
I don't know, Jake.
- Maybe I'm just stupid. - Or maybe you just don't apply yourself.
Can we stop talking for a while?
Okay.
Although I do like a little conversation at breakfast.
Morning, everybody.
He's hung-over.
Oh, yeah.
Well, isn't this an ironic turn of events?
Me, waking up feeling all bright and chipper.
And you looking like a stool sample.
Not a big irony fan, huh?
- Charlie? - Yeah.
Either stop talking or at least have the decency to kill me.
- Boy, I'm never gonna drink. - Good job.
You scarred the kid for life.
Now he's gonna have to face junior high sober.
- Just tell me one thing. - What's that?
Did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night?
You had to say something after a kiss like that.
Oh, God.
- I took care of your bathroom. - Thank you.
I hope you like the smell of pine-scented puke.
So did I do anything else I'm gonna regret?
- Well, you paid for dinner. - Jeez.
And after we got home there was some drunken blubbering...
...about how you weren't going to groveI for women.
Oh, right. I almost forgot.
I had a life-changing epiphany last night.
Before or after you yakked up a hunk of your esophagus?
No, no, it's no joke.
I've reached a turning point.
From this day on, my actions will no longer be predicated...
...on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life.
- What's so funny? - Nothing.
I think she doubts your epiphany.
She'll see.